Make friends with people who want the best for you

This is the 3rd chapter of Jordan Peterson’s book and is about not casting your pearls before swine.

Peterson’s challenge is that I need to be more honest about why I help people and what that help achieves. Not something we often do, not something we encourage others to do. Sometimes we must be more honest in admitting helping is beyond us.

As Peterson says on motives

If I stay in an unhealthy relationship with you, perhaps it’s because I’m too weak-willed and indecisive to leave, but I don’t want to know it. Thus, I continue helping you, and console myself with my pointless martyrdom.

If you have a friend whose friendship you wouldn’t recommend to your sister, or your father, or your son, why would you have such a friend for yourself?

On recognising helping might be beyond us or ineffective

Before you help someone, you should find out why that person is in trouble. You shouldn’t merely assume that he or she is a noble victim of unjust circumstances and exploitation. It’s the most unlikely explanation, not the most probable.

I am not saying that there is no hope of redemption. But it is much harder to extract someone from a chasm than to lift him from a ditch. And some chasms are very deep. And there’s not much left of the body at the bottom. Maybe I should at least wait, to help you, until it’s clear that you want to be helped.

The way forward…….

It’s a good thing, not a selfish thing, to choose people who are good for you. It’s appropriate and praiseworthy to associate with people whose lives would be improved if they saw your life improve.

Don’t think that it is easier to surround yourself with good healthy people than with bad unhealthy people. It’s not. A good, healthy person is an ideal. It requires strength and daring to stand up near such a person. Have some humility. Have some courage. Use your judgment, and protect yourself from too-uncritical compassion and pity. Make friends with people who want the best for you.

I have not heard these thoughts expressed so clearly. They are challenging, Peterson obviously realises this. His answer.

But Christ himself, you might object, befriended tax-collectors and prostitutes. How dare I cast aspersions on the motives of those who are trying to help? But Christ was the archetypal perfect man. And you’re you. How do you know that your attempts to pull someone up won’t instead bring them – or you – further down?

Written by Tony Thompson

  1. Kristina Druce
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    Fantastic blog Tony thank you. This is so relevant for me right now and i am sure many others. I am interested to read this book! See you soon 🙂

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